Unreal Stories: After His Death, Today's Country Superstars Speak About George Jones' Influence, Vow to Continue Making Country Music That Sounds Nothing Like George Jones or Country Music

*This story is completely false. Made up. Not real. In other words, unreal. The quotes are fake. The vernacular is fake. The descriptions are fake. If you needed this disclaimer to figure this out, there is not much I can do for you. Even so, this has been a disclaimer.

Several of today's country music superstars released statements on the legacy and profound five-decades long influence of George Jones on the world of country music, following "The Possum's" death on the morning of April 26th, 2013. They made known the impact Jones had on their own lives and music careers, and the impact his death would have on their music going forward.

"I wouldn't be where I am today without George Jones," said Blake Shelton. "Typically in my songs my go-to references are Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn, but that don't mean I didn't like George. I'm sure a good song will come along soon and I can namedrop the ol' Possum in there." When asked if he would have turned his chair around if Jones had ever performed on his hit show The Voice, Shelton responded, "Well, you know, that's a difficult question to answer. Country music ain't what it once was. It is constantly evolving because it has to be, or the young folks won't listen. I don't think he'd be very successful in today's country music environment, and that show is all about choosing people who fit today's mold. He'd probably come out there with a steel guitar and fiddle, and hell, he might even TALK some of the lyrics. So, you know, I don't know, probably not. Still love ya, George."

When asked what kind of influence Jones had on his music, Luke Bryan became reflective, almost teary-eyed. "Oh man, huge. Just huge. What a life. I learned from him how big an impact alcohol has had on country music throughout the years. I was so shit-faced when I chose to record 'Country Girl (Shake It For Me).' I mean, just filthy shit-my-pants-in-hundred-dollar-bills drunk. I think George would have been proud if he knew that story. Really what it's all about for me is keeping his legacy alive, bringing good ol' fun-timing country music to a younger generation. Shake ya moneymaker loud and proud up in the Big House in the sky, George. As they say, the wheel in the sky keeps on turning. That's Journey. My favorite band. Also a big influence." Wiping away tears from his eyes, and supposedly off the record, Bryan then proceeded to ask, "I wonder how he got Tammy Wynette and so many other pretty women to fall in love with him? You know how many meals I miss and tanning appointments I have to make to keep this party train chugging along? I bet if George used facial moisturizer even three times a week and stayed in good enough shape to wear nut-hugging jeans, he could have added a hell of a lot more notches to his belt. Oh, and teeth bleacher too. Yea, his was not a mouth I'd have wanted to kiss."

Taylor Swift was succinct in her recollection of Jones' influence. "Like oh my god death is so sad but who is that?"

Brantley Gilbert was rather forthright in his remarks. "Y'all know some people's called me a poser and all that stuff, and you know what, it's actually true. I ain't gunner deny it, and if you try to make me deny it, well, hell, I got some brass knuckles with the name a yer face written on 'em. Y'all, you know that song that's my first hit, 'Country Must Be Countrier Than the Widest Part of the World' or whatever, I talk about Cash, Willie, Hank, and Waylon. Man, ol' George's name just wouldn't fit. But, dang, son, his songs is so ironic. I mean, platonic. Wait, where the hell'd that come from, I don't even know what that word means, dern. Aw, hell, what am I trying to say. Supersonic. No, that ain't it. What I'm trying to say is ol' Georgie boy is a nylon. No, he's a roll-on. No, he's a  mastodon. No, he's a Nikon, like one dem fancy cameras. Wait, what, no, damn son, what am I trying to say?" When asked if what he meant was that George Jones is an icon, Gilbert said, "THAT'S IT! Yea, man, he's like a tree in a forest that grows up all big and huge but can't see himself as the forest cuz all them other trees is trees too and they kinda big and stuff just like he is but he's kinda different cuz he's a purple tree and purple trees are so dang cool, man."

Gilbert wrote the modern-day country music smash made popular by Jason Aldean that famously references George Jones. "I chose that song, one, cuz me and Brantley's best buds forever, and two, because it mentions George Jones. It sounds nothing remotely similar to a George Jones song, and yea, it kind of makes light of The Possum's days of heavy drinking and of drunk driving in general, incidents which George of course says he would take back if he could. But it sure makes for a dang cool country-rap song, bro," Aldean said. Wearing one of those straw cowboy hats pulled halfway down his face so you can't see his eyes, going for a look that emanates mystery but which pulls off only douchebaggery, Aldean continued, "Yea, I think if George had been my age today and as popular as I am in country music, he'd probably record a rap song too. A lot of people don't know this, but after the D. R. A. I wanted to do a rap party song about George and his hit songs as well. I found "1994" but Joe Diffie fit better cuz his last name got two sybils. What's that? Oh. Really? Okay. I meant to say "syllables." I kinda hated it for George. It might have made him super cool and popular again. I don't know, it's making me filthy rich, but that song is pretty fucking awful, so he probably would have been embarrassed to be associated with it. Hope you're swervin' 'round up in Heaven-town, George."

Two artists who were brief but poignant in their remarks were Jamey Johnson and Alan Jackson. "There will never be another George Jones," said Johnson. "He's one of my biggest influences, and I'm not just saying that. My songs aren't neutered rock and roll, bad rap, or cheesy adult contemporary, so you know I'm not just putting you on when I say that."

Said Mr. Jackson, "George Jones is the greatest country singer of all time. He was a dear friend, and I will miss him. What the CMAs did to him in 1999 was shameful. If people really want to know who's gonna fill the shoes of legends like George nowadays, there are a lot of talented people out there trying to carry that torch. But you aren't going to hear those people singing on the radio."

Thoughts on the 2012 CMA Awards

I did not get to watch the CMA Awards live last night due to having the opportunity to witness Radney Foster, a gentleman who has written hit songs for some of the artists who were in that auditorium and who had a few radio hits of his own back in the late-eighties/early-nineties, perform solo at Natasha's Bistro and Bar in Lexington, Kentucky. It was an excellent show and I will blog about it soon. But I was able to catch the spectacle that is the CMAs online earlier today, and recorded some random thoughts as the show went along. From beginning to end, my thoughts on the night are as follows, some snarky, some sincere, all scatterbrained and, of course, lacking brevity. Enjoy!

-Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan, and Eric Church team up for the first performance of the night. Church seems overly unenthused, as hard as he's trying to pretend otherwise with his erratic hand motions.

-I think Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood do a pretty good job hosting year after year.

-"Moves Like Haggard" was pretty funny.

-Only thing missing from that "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" joke was the camera cutting to Taylor Swift. Other than that, I'm glad they went there.

-Carrie Underwood looks a lot better doing the "Gangham Style" dance than Brad Paisley. I mean, like, A LOT.

-Brad Paisley telling Carrie Underwood what "motorboating" is with the appropriate sounds effects is pretty good entertainment. "It's too bad Dolly isn't here tonight." Score one for tig ol' bitties.

-Single of the Year goes to Little Big Town for "Pontoon." They look genuinely thrilled to have won. Probably should have gone to "Springsteen" but still well-deserved in my opinion, if only for all the years they've put in and the underappreciation they've endured. I'm surprised "Drunk On You" by Luke Bryan wasn't a nominee. That song was ubiquitous. And a loss for "Dirt Road Anthem" is a win for everybody.

-I'm kinda surprised "motorboatin'" is getting as much play as it is. It's kinda risque, no?

-Shocked Tim McGraw isn't performing "Truck Yeah." Maybe he regrets recording it? (Doubt it.) This song ("One of Those Nights") is infinitely better than that one and actually kind of enjoyable.  This and "Better Than I Used To Be" are his best singles in years. His voice sounds really good too. I'd forgotten the guy can actually sing.

-Thompson Square wins for Vocal Duo of the Year. Out of the nominees, and in this context, they were the best choice. I love The Civil Wars as much as the next person, but it would have been weird if they had won, seeing as they have absolutely zero support from country radio as far as I'm aware. (EDIT: After watching The Civil Wars perform on Austin City Limits, whether them being nominated makes sense or not, I say screw it, they should have won, and give them all other awards for Best Duo at all the other awards shows too. Shit needs to be shaken up. EDIT #2: Well, The Civil Wars have broken up, or so it seems with the somehow too detailed yet too vague statement they recently released. Wishing them the best, and hoping it's not over for good.)

-Next up is Miranda Lambert with "Fastest Girl In Town." Not a fan of the song, not a fan of this performance.

-Zac Brown Band playing "Goodbye In Her Eyes" and sounding good, per usual.  Hope to see these guys live one day. Their new album is decent, but this song is definitely a standout. Love the driving beat.

-Dierks Bentley performing "Tip It On Back," which I think is one of the best songs on his new album Home. He's gotten a lot of flak for it not being of the same caliber as Up On The Ridge, but that was gonna be a hard feat to accomplish no matter how you look at it. This song has a little more depth and a little more darkness than your average contemporary country radio drinking song. Really good performance.

-"Better Dig Two" by The Band Perry. Dark tune with an updated murder-ballad feel to it. Love the banjo intro and the fact they don't push it completely to the back throughout the rest of the song. Not a huge fan of the hard rock guitars that come in and drown everything out, but I AM a huge fan of the pants lead singer Kimberly Perry is wearing. And her singing's sounding damn good as well.

-I've written about my love for "Springsteen" quite a bit on this blog, but I'd have really loved to hear Eric Church perform "Creepin'." That back to back with "Better Dig Two" would have sounded pretty cool. Not even interjecting "Springsteen" with a verse from "Born To Run" can save this performance from the "we've already seen this before" feeling.

-Eli Young Band sounding pretty good with a performance of "Even If It Breaks Your Heart." A little shaky on vocals during the verses but I know Mike Eli can sing. Could be technical issues. Last I checked their new single "Say Goodbye" was struggling a bit on the charts, and I've yet to hear it on the radio. I think "The Fight" would have been a better single choice.

-Kelly Pickler presenting for Song of the Year with Darius Rucker. It has got to be an awkward feeling when you release one of the purest traditional-sounding mainstream records of the year that's all but shunned by fans and the industry, and then have to present an award in front of them. I hope she hasn't lost faith in her own abilities and artistic integrity because 100 Proof was an apparent "flop."

-Miranda and Blake win Song of the Year with "Over You." I'm not particularly a huge fan of it personally but I don't mind it and find it hard to say anything bad about a song that was obviously very personal to write and means a lot to them. (And damn, I almost teared up as Blake was talking and Miranda about busted out in tears as they accepted the award.) I would have given it to "Springsteen," as I think that's an exquisitely written song, though the most interesting winner would have been Dierks' "Home," what with the controversy over the past year about whether or not he and his co-writers stole the melody from Jason Isbell (I'm perfectly fine believing it was just a coincidence, by the way, and of the opinion that the issue was probably handled badly by both parties on Twitter.) But you knew the CMA wasn't going to go walking down that wave-crashed coast.

-Brad Paisley picking out the tune to The Andy Griffith Show on acoustic guitar is a cool moment. God don't make 'em like that anymore.

-These elaborate set pieces are kind of stupid. Just sing the damn song. "Begin Again" isn't terrible and Swift has improved as a live vocalist (she's not Carrie Underwood, mind you), but she always seems to be faking/acting the emotion of the song while she's singing instead of actually feeling it. Maybe it's just my age (not a teenager) and gender (not female) and attitude (cynical), but it comes off as contrived.

-I don't hate "Pontoon" but I don't need to see another awards show performance of it. I'd much rather hear Little Big Town's new single, "Tornado," or my personal favorite from the album, "Sober."

-All these commercials for Nashville. I hope they are being ultra-soapy with it at the get-go to draw in viewers, and that eventually the focus will level out toward the music and songwriting and the inner workings of the country music industry as a whole. We'll see, but Grey's Anatomy in Music City is not what I had in mind.

-Luke Bryan is kind of annoying at times (sparkly jeans, uber-bleached teeth, uncalled for pelvic thrusting) but I actually don't mind "Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye." It is nowhere closer to being country music than Taylor Swift is, but it's catchy, and "Love me like you loved me when you loved me and you didn't have to try" is a killer line.

-Sugarland's still around? Damn. And meh.

-Eric Church's Chief gets the well-deserved win for Album of the Year. It truly was. Classy acceptance speech. Unfortunately no cutaways to Miranda Lambert, Blake Shelton, or Keith Urban. I think Entertainer of the Year is somewhere in Church's future.

-Hunter Hayes now performing "Wanted." I have nothing much to say. Talented kid. Not country by any stretch of the imagination. Vocals sounding really off tonight. Has way more talent than Brantley Gilbert.

-Faith Hill performing her new song "American Heart." Nothing of hers is catching on at radio, and it's been that way for awhile now. As pandering as this song is, it might actually have a chance. But radio does seem to have moved on from her. At least it's not a One Republic cover.

-I hate "Country Must Be Country Wide" and will never understand the appeal of Brantley Gilbert. This would be the direction I'd absolutely hate to see mainstream country go. Faux-machismo-country-boy-cock-rock is soulless and not even close to the spirit of country music. At least "Kick It In the Sticks" was kicked to the curb.

-Who decided to put Batman on the screen behind Keith Urban and Zac Brown during this performance? Anyway, song's kind of bland.

-This crop of Best New Artist nominees is kind of depressing. Hunter Hayes wins. Well, he seems like a good kid, and at least it wasn't Brantley Gilbert.

-Brad Paisley performing "Southern Comfort Zone," beginning with a shout-out to New York and New Jersey in the form of Alicia Keys' chorus on "Empire State of Mind." "Southern Comfort Zone" is a good song that seems to be misunderstood by some as just another "laundry list" song about Southern culture and stereotypes. But if you listen to the lyrics, I think he's actually calling those kinds of songs out. "Be proud, not obnoxious," he seems to be saying. Anyway, it's a good song, I just don't like the production. And the choir at the end of this performance is a bit overkill.

-Carrie Underwood can definitely belt out "Blown Away," but it is a little weird that they decided to go with this song considering the circumstances with Hurricane Sandy. There's some pretty stark imagery in there. Also, she still has the best legs in the biz.

-Scotty McCreary and Shawn Johnson look scared to stand close to one another. I bet they made out backstage.

-After all these years Little Big Town finally wins Vocal Group of the Year and their acceptance speech gets cut short.

-Jason Aldean performs "Take A Little Ride," a generic earworm of a rock song that sounds practically the same as almost every other song that he's released the past few years.

-Interjection: Damn, this is a long show. I'm getting to the point now where I was actually able to watch live last night, and getting a little bored, so the blurbs will be getting shorter.

-Kelly Clarkson and Vince Gill give a classy and uncluttered performance, the best of the night hands down. I don't even know what song this is. And who doesn't love Vince Gill? Country radio should be ashamed for kicking him off their playlists. I was glad to see lots of love for him and just outrage over his now lack of mainstream acceptance on Twitter last night.

-No problem with Shelton winning Male Vocalist, just wish he'd start releasing better songs as singles.

-"Come Over" is such a boring song. Chesney should have performed "El Cerrito Place."

-I think all these women from Nashville are drunk. So seems Miranda Lambert as she accepts Female Vocalist award, though she does say something very nice about all the other nominees.

-Pretty good Willie Nelson tribute despite Lady Antebellum's involvement. And based upon the look on his face, he was thinking the same thing as everyone else when Hilary Scott started singing "Crazy" -- she's no Patsy Cline. But to be fair, nobody is. Also, Willie sounded as good as ever singing "On The Road Again."

-Blake Shelton wins Entertainer of the Year. Huge upset I feel like. I was thinking either Aldean or Swift would win. He seems genuinely surprised. He says, "I love country music more than anybody in this room." I just hope he starts releasing some again.

Additional Observations:

-Taylor Swift wasn't on camera nearly as much as she has been in years past, which is surprising, and good.

-Blake Shelton seems a lot more at home and happier singing "Whiskey River" than "Footloose." Hope he takes note. (And of course, "Footloose" is the song they play as he wins EOTY.)

-The Willie Nelson tribute unfortunately serves to remind us that the days of country music sounding like that are over. As Merle Haggard says, a lot of the songs don't seem to have much soul anymore.

-Jason Aldean not winning any awards tonight is a good thing. But he sure makes a wallet chain look cool. It's coming back, folks!

-No representatives of neo-traditionalism with any face time whatsoever, much less a nomination. I'm speaking of guys like Easton Corbin and especially Chris Young. How does Young not get nominated in the Male Vocalist category? Did releasing the ever-too-country "Neon" as a single hurt him that badly?

-In that same vein, it's thoroughly disheartening knowing that these awards shows don't give two shits about George Strait or Alan Jackson anymore (naturally, I suppose, following radio's suit). As much as I would have liked to see the younger neo-traditionalists represented, they do not hold a candle to these two legends. 

-Little Big Town has always been better than Lady Antebellum (and I like some LA songs). It's about time they were recognized for it. Huge night for them.

-Ultimately, with Shelton's EOTY win I'm left feeling a little more optimistic than I would have if Aldean or Swift or anybody else that was nominated had won, if for nothing other than the fact that Shelton has waded around in neo-traditionalist waters some in the past. He has now attained close to the largest platform a country artist could ask for in terms of exposure. I just hope he seizes the opportunity to, with his next album, come back around to his roots a little and truly represent what real Country Music -- that he so often claims to love -- is, this music he says he has a passion to spread the gospel of. If Aldean or Swift had won, it would only have been a victory for pop or modern rock, not country music. And in a way, though to a lesser extent -- and as evidenced by his recent output -- Shelton winning is just a victory for volvo-driving soccer moms everywhere. But it could have been much worse. That said, his victory could eventually mean so much more. We shall see.

-Oh, to dream that one day artists like Turnpike Troubadours, The Trishas, and Randy Rogers Band will be represented at events such as this. I do not count on it, but it is fun to dream.

-The other really big winner tonight: BOOBS (mmmm-motorboatin').

The Bland, The Bad, and The Godawful: Worst Country Singles of 2012 (so far)

Warning: ranting ahead.

For the most part, I don't see the point of writing incredibly negative reviews of songs or albums. If I don't like a song or album I will usually just not write about it; I am simply not passionate enough in my hatred to waste the time. I understand the need for people to make a living and provide for their families, and sometimes that means you have to compromise when you don't want to. But the people on this list (and quite a few of those behind the scenes and not necessarily on the screens) live wealthy lifestyles that are incomprehensible to most of us. But they, or their label, or whoever, still choose to release the kind of garbage that is gobbled up by the masses all in the name of the almighty dollar -- and with the pure quantity of mediocre to bad stuff out there as evidence -- seemingly without a second thought. Anything even slightly resembling traditional or neo-traditional country music is getting booted out of the mainstream in favor of meaningless fratboy faux-machismo cock-rock, and the change is unfortunately being led by some of the format's neo-traditional stars of yesteryear.

With a tradition as strong and a fanbase as passionate as that of genuine country music (of all stripes), sometimes the creative sloths and posers just need to be called out. I am not saying that everything at mainstream radio needs to be pure country; not at all. But the format is in danger of being overrun by songs about trucks, songs about how "I'm countrier-than-thou and proud of it," and songs that sound like something Nickelback wrote at a session with flushing toilets in the background. Mainstream country music, to no one's surprise who has been paying attention, has become a parody of people born and raised in the rural areas of America's mountains and hills, pastures and fields. And I'm talking about people really from the country, not those in the public exaggerating a persona or attitude because they think it makes them badass or cool, and not those who wear a cowboy hat because it's part of  their "image."

For the record, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have no problem admitting that I was raised in the city by two parents who were both raised in the country. I have at times wished they had never moved away while at the same time understanding the desire within them that made it necessary. Country music is still what I was raised on, and my parents' roots and culture have had a profound impact on my life. And with a few detours along the way, it's still the music I love the most. So bearing that in mind, the following write-ups (which I'll admit are pretty rant-y) are not personal attacks on any one artist or fanbase, they are merely subjective personal opinions that very few will read. And trust me, I know I'm in the minority when it comes to these opinions. Also, for anyone who would say to someone like me, "Just turn off the radio," I'm well aware that there is great country music being made that, while it can indeed be bought and thoroughly enjoyed by the consumer away from radio's reaches, is still not getting the chance at mass exposure that it rightly deserves simply because it digs too deep and too far past the embarrassing cliches. The point, really, when all's said and done, is that country music is better than this, and this is what's being projected to the rest of the world.

Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw - "Whatever Makes You Feel Like A Rockstar" - Two of country music's all time bestsellers and highest grossers released a song about being rockstars, and inspiring their audience to do whatever makes them feel like rockstars. Because that is totally what country music is about. As long as they've been around, these guys may literally be the last great hope of keeping good music, at least a little bit of it country (see: "You And Tequila" and "Better Than I Used To Be"), on the radio, but they insist on most of their output being thoughtless garbage like this that may appeal to the masses and to humanity's need for escapism but in reality is more shallow than the shallowest pop song or a dried up creek. Though they reference the lowly people who "bust [their] butt all week" and apparently have nothing in life to look forward to but the weekend, the song is really an affront to those everywhere with "regular jobs." It's loud, pointless, offensive, faux-escapism. McGraw and Chesney can do better. Verdict: BAD. Sample lyric: Whether your pimped up hangin' in the VIP/ or way up high in the cheapest seat/ Hey pretty mama if you roll with me/ there'll be diamonds in the sky and the radio screen. What?


Tim McGraw - "Truck Yeah" - As much as I hate the song above, "Truck Yeah" is one of the worst songs I've heard in years and the worst single of Tim McGraw's career. Hopes were held high for McGraw's new stuff, as he was quite vocal about looking forward to the "creative freedom" he would have once released from the apparently lock-tight shackles of Curb Records. And this -- this -- is the colossal bag of crap that we get. Worse than Tim McGraw recording it is the fact that it took four people to write it. I could put a pen in the hand of a one year old and they could come up with something more creative than this. But what the songwriters did was come up with something that is the equivalent to what said one year old would release into his diaper and subsequently have the audacity to call gold. And the fact that there is banjo in the mix pisses me off all the more. (FYI: I'd rather listen to Rascall Flatts' "Banjo" than this any day of the week.) I know it's just one song, and his last single was really good, but McGraw has almost lost me completely with this one. Verdict: GODAWFUL. Sample lyrics: Got Lil' Wayne pumpin' on my iPod/ thumpin' on the subs in the back of my crew cab/ Redneck rockin' like a rockstar/ Sling a little mud off the back, we can do that. Yup, I am serious.

 Brantley Gilbert - "Kick It In the Sticks" - Brantley Gilbert is not even pretending to play country music. He's just backwoods-ing up the lyrics to his favorite Nickelback songs and throwing them out there to contaminate the country airwaves. This song honestly sounds like something I would listen to when I was seventeen and thought I was cool, angsty and angry at the world (or a girl). Jason Aldean has recorded many of the songs written by Gilbert in the past, but thankfully he's never recorded anything as bad as this or "Country Must Be Country Wide." I'm not even a huge Jason Aldean fan (though I do like several of his singles), but I think Aldean's got more talent, charisma, and country sensibility in his goatee hair than Gilbert does at all. Also, I've seen him live opening for Eric Church and the guy simply cannot sing. Of course, that might have something to do with the loud, obnoxious noises coming from his band behind him. How can anyone hear over that, even with a monitor? After this, I hate to say, surefire number one, I really hope Brantley Gilbert returns again to songwriting obscurity. Verdict: GODAWFUL. Sample lyrics: So pop a top and drop a tailgate/ Yeah we crankin' ACDC, Hank, Skynyrd, and George Strait/ Where's the girls? Bout to call them up/ A little southern drawl said "Hey trouble what's up?" I mean, lyrics like this are enough to make you think God himself has given up on country music.


Chris Cagle - "Got My Country On" - I think this actually came out in 2011, but still. Can Chris Cagle come off as any more desperate to be relevant again? Could he not make a decent living touring and playing to a couple thousand people a night who'd overpay to see him just to hear the three songs of his they know? Instead he releases a song about how country he is and how awesome the weekend will always be for the blue-collar working man. If that ain't jumping on the bandwagon of what's hot right now, then I don't know what is. Granted, of all the songs there are about the exact same thing, this one sounds better than most. It's just that it's completely unoriginal radio filler from a singer who obviously decided to try and take what he thought would be the easy route back to mild country radio success.Verdict: BLAND. Sample lyrics: Trickin' my truck like a cadillac/ crankin' it up in my cowboy hat/ Rollin' and bumpin' to the man in black. Gotta meet that "namecheck a country legend" quota, eh?


Blake Shelton - "Over" - I think that for me Blake Shelton may be getting easier to rag on because of his media over-saturation. I do like the guy; he has a great voice and has released some excellent tunes. But with "Over" he sounds like he's just trying to capitalize on the success of "She Wouldn't Be Gone," which was in just about every way a better song. He traded that song's passionate vocal for a vocal on "Over" that sounds like he's trying to overcompensate for his lack of passion. Strings cascade and swell throughout the song in an attempt to overcompensate for the song's hollowness and replace it with emotional over-manipulation. Shelton is far from the worst thing on country radio these days, I just wish he'd tell NBC and The Voice to shove it so he can maintain focus on his music, and get back to releasing songs in the same vein as "Austin" and "Ol' Red." I hope we don't lose him completely to lovelorn pop-rock. Verdict: BLAND. Lyrically, the song at least strives to be a little more poetic than is normal for the mainstream.

Craig Morgan - "Corn Star" - I do get the appeal of wanting to release a fun summer song, but as hard as this song tries to get you to like it with it's uptempo beat, light-hearted banjo melody, and "fun" play on words, I can't get over how bad and borderline offensive the trying-to-be-cute lyrics are. Some have called it disrespectful to farmers and women but I won't even go that far. Simply put, it's stupid, cliche, and wishes it was Kenny Chesney's superior "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy." I really don't know what else to say about it. As dumb and as giddy as it seems in embracing the lowest common denominator, it truly is a shock that it didn't catch on at radio. Mr. Morgan can do "fun" better than this; he has before. Verdict: BAD. Sample lyrics: There's gossip in town flyin' around/ she was sunset strippin' for tips in LA/ But that's just a buncha bean growers/ talkin' to the bean loaders/ Ain't got a clue about a corn star. All together now... what?

 Luke Bryan - "Drunk On You" - I used to absolutely hate this song. Let me get that out of the way first. Somehow, though, it grew on me without me ever trying to let it; it's just one of those songs that did, though it is not great by any means. But the reason I decided to still include it on this list is because of the line, "Girl you make my speakers go boom boom." That lyric right there might be worse than anything the Black Eyed Peas have ever put out, and that's saying something. I'm not sure what they could have used in its place, but I would honestly think it's a harmless and decent little love song without it. Other than that the song contains some fair (although admittedly silly as hell) lyrics, some banjo (of course at the back of the mix), and what seems to me authentic emotion. It captures the moment of being transfixed by a beautiful woman quite nicely, and Bryan even sings the words "Good God Almighy," a common expression of gratitude to the Creator when said beautiful woman captures the eye. But I just can't abide the "boom boom" line. And the whole storyline and Bryan's acting in the music video is pretty terrible and hokey, and I still hold "Country Girl (Shake It For Me)" against him because he sank to Brantley Gilbert-level bad with that one. But that's all beside the point. Verdict: BAD.

Dishonorable mentions: (These singers are too young and unproven for me to take seriously. I feel bad even including these little blurbs about them, but like it or not, they have become part of the current "bad mainstream country music" problem. Not to mention, they are in high school; don't quite think I'm in their demographic.)

Scotty McCreery - "Water Tower Town" - Just sounds awkward. He's got potential though. Live a little bit of life, Scotty, and get back to us.

Lauren Alaina - "Georgia Peaches" - I don't get it. Mercifully, it seems mainstream country radio programmers and your average country radio listeners (read: not American Idol fangirls) don't either.